Innocence

When someone is standing right in front of you and screaming in your face it is natural and understandable to cover your ears.

When someone is standing right in front of you and speaking softly, it is uncalled for and rude to cover your ears.

What’s wrong with this picture.

This post might be a tad incoherent because I’ve had my reality tampered with.

No I haven’t.

When I was younger, I was “socially liberal” and felt I “did not have enough information to have an opinion on other issues.” I knew how people should be treated; I did not know how governments or economies should be run, and I did not know how these things were linked. There were times lying in bed at night I would lament the ways in which other children were not raised with the best access to information (this was even before I learned how I had been lied to in my progressive, diverse, Californian schools). I wished there was a way to teach school kids the right non-bigoted information that would prevent them from voting to take away people’s rights. But that would be wrong! It’s just my opinion! I’d be doing the same thing that was already being done!

I’d give up. Go to sleep (not really, but “stay up thinking about other things” doesn’t sound as writerly).

What’s wrong with this picture.

I didn’t write these words you’re reading and I certainly didn’t mean them the way you say they sound; I can’t control how you interpret. I literally did not type these words into this program that I’m looking at right now. What are you going to do about it?

What’s wrong with this world.

I was busy worrying that some children weren’t taught that we all deserve to have our needs met, no matter what. I didn’t notice that we weren’t being taught that we are tied to the land, that if you touch the bark of a tree you will know that it is there no matter what you read, and if someone cuts it down you will feel its absence no matter what they say.

It takes a lot of high-level thinking to deduce from first principles the inconsequential nature of a single tree, but any living creature can, in its way, testify to a tree’s existence. Here are the paw prints going around the trunk. Here are the insects seeking shelter inside. Here are the animals finding food. Such low happenings let’s not be bothered by it.

I’m sad today, but I can’t be; my perception is just that and at any rate it is inconsequential and I have the slides to prove it.

I don’t want to talk to you about gaslighting because it’s already been written about and I don’t know what counts and I don’t want to get it wrong and I can’t know if I’ve ever suffered from it because I can’t prove it for some reason there’s just no way to know.

This post is incoherent because I am afraid.

No I’m not.

I’m standing there and I’m covering my ears, because your voice is too loud. This is just an analogy, people. I’m standing there and I’m covering my ears, because your voice is too loud. You don’t tell me it isn’t, That! That would be gaslighting! You don’t tell me I’m cr*zy. I’m standing there and I’m covering my ears, and you feel bad that your voice is too loud, but this is your only volume (it isn’t), when you’re passionate about something, this is your only volume (really?). You can’t help it (Really?). Anyway you understand that it’s a bit loud for me right now but I have no idea how it feels to have someone cover their ears all the time when they’re just trying to talk. No, I get it. You get it (do you? (This is just fiction, people.)). But the point is there’s nothing you can do. You’re not trying to be loud. It’s not even clear you’re objectively too loud. Is there such a thing as objectively too loud? If I could just lean against a tree maybe I would remember that things exist and it’s not all subject to word games. Later he, I mean you, might say, you know I have a lot of trouble raising my voice.

Whatever was said, maybe nothing bad, it’s just a laying down of the framework. The framework is that the volume is constant and the only thing that is changeable is whether we listen anyway, whether we cover our ears, knowing how much it hurts them. That’s what’s wrong with this picture. It doesn’t take criticism or insults or physical coercion. They can very gently set the terms of a relationship by simply giving nothing but excuses. It can be real excuses. But they don’t move. they don’t move and they don’t give anything. They don’t work. Better yet, they might DoGoodThings(TM)! Keep a list of Good Things that they do that they may point to any time they are challenged. This is how they maintain control. And they can be nice and they can be reasonable in that they always have a nice and reasonable response. But they must not budge. Hold out for as long as possible. Deflect always. Allow the other person to take things, to take control, this shows that they are Not being manipulated. But there will be no compromise. They never work with you. They say it’s too hard. Maybe it is too hard!

Someone is in front of you talking and you are covering your ears. The real immutable fact is that you felt the need to cover your ears. It is not up to you to determine whether this was fair. It is up to the other person to stop screaming. Even if they do not know that they are screaming. Even if they are certain they are not screaming. Because they are the ones who perceive a disconnect in reality, not you. They are the ones who do not think your actions match theirs. That is on them to investigate.

Context is real it is not “just your perception.” Or put another way everything is filtered through perception but some filters are considered invisible (objective).

This is my letter to all the marginalized people out there trying to prove their humanity, trying to justify their reactions, being secretly tried in the minds of their peers, colleagues, current and former friends: They are lying to you. They are using you. You are the innocent one they should be afraid of mistreating. Instead they may cast you aside, and I don’t know what to do about that. They weigh “what if she’s lying/wrong” a hundred times more heavily than they weigh “what if she’s correct,” and I don’t know what to do about that.

We are so reluctant to name violence against marginalized people that we only name the worst offense in the worst terms, then anyone who falls short feels guilty using the same word. Then after some science we understand that the terms should be broadened. But it’s never enough because we’re always coming from the wrong direction.

My God, this world. What what what if we put our hands in the dirt, what if our land was nurtured what if we respected its protectors, what if resources were shared, what if we saw other humans just as other humans and not as threats. What if we didn’t take. What if we believed her. What if there was a way to say no.

What if his innocence weren’t an axiom.

But